Neologisms to Dover (debate over)

In our beautiful language the neologism (a new word – sometimes a compound mix of two words and now entering everyday use) is becoming more and more common.

 (Mommon?)

That said, in psychiatry, a neologism tends to be a word which has meaning only for a person who uses it; as maybe a child would.

In literary history the neologism probably dates from the seventeenth or eighteenth century and there are now many neologisms we use every day including prequel, internet, band-aid, photoshop, befriend, blogger, as well as some others less common but nonetheless cute….fauxtography (photographic error), singlism (the state of being single for a long time) and a BBC favorite of mine smirt (to flirt with a colleague while smoking outside the office!).

I’ve been noting a lot lately how everyone’s been making up their own words and so I couldn’t resist creating a few of my own and I invite you to do same.  I mean, we couldn’t do worse than CNN did with their neologism for Precipitation Forecast – Precipcast…sheesh! 

Who was that fricken genius?

Churfer	Channel surfer
Omlettised	To be well beaten
Memote Control	It’s mine!
Faptop	Laptop used for surfing porn
Prancer	Prosthetic cancer (much better eh!)
Hohotel	Rooms by the half hour
Outsized	Fired
Vulvailable	Girl who doesn’t need much convincing
Piagra	A hard-on for mathematics
Glarenting	Parents who rule with a scowl
Remolding	Recovering from a yeast infection
Sootball	African football
Bottiebubble	Flatulence
Hoovie	Horror movie
Tomorrowed	Borrowed
Keybored	Don’t wanna type no more

…and so you see some of my nonsense perhaps you’d like to add some more. I’ve opened for comments in case anyone wishes to do so. 

So gronit! (get right on it)

Begging Letter to Sylvester Stallone

Dear Sly,

I can call you that can’t i?

God but you’re ugly! 

But then I’ve seen your mother and so I guess that explains that.

And where the hell were you when the twin towers came down? I guess you were drinking with Bruce Willis and Chuck Norris and the other action heroes at Christopher Reeve’s house. We sure could have done with you guys that day.

I’m writing for two reasons – the first is to heap praise on you for your long career and the second is to sell you the script of my new blockbuster movie Ramby.

Why did you turn down the original Die Hard part of John McClane and then also the role of The Terminator and cheat yourself out of even more great franchises? Bad decisions my friend. I guess you mustn’t have been thinking straight when you read the scripts. I guess you must’ve been dosed up on something to make you big and strong.

Apart from those disgraceful errors of judgement (they were, weren’t they – I mean, they must haunt you) I have to say that ever since you first stepped into the ring and dripped blood and sweat on to the camera lens you have been a great hero of mine; ever since you first picked up an oversized, turbo-charged machine gun weighing fifty pounds and murdered the indigenes I have been a fan. I have forgiven you your humble, pornographic beginnings because there is much more to you, I know, than that thing you swing which the Catholics are afraid of. 

Did you know you are G.W. Bush’s favorite actor? What a compliment for you! I read in your biography that you are a staunch republican – which is the opposite to being a staunch Democrat – both of which are akin to being more than a little mentally challenged – but then we have always known that about you Sly.

Well now, facing the age of seventy and with the world in economic crisis, I’m sure you’ve been giving some thought to your investments. I know you lost your shirt on that Planet Hollywood farce so I guess you’re being real sensible these days about what you put your money into. Well what I have for you today is a cast-iron sure thing; one that cannot fail. All it needs is someone to take a chance on it – just what you needed with Rocky as I recall!

Ramby tells the story of a retired Army boxing champ (you of course!) whose younger fat, twin brother was killed in the Gulf in a suspicious Government test involving marijuana cheese strings. To get to the bottom of what happened our hero has to infiltrate the jungles of Iraq and negotiate the shark-infested waters of Saudi Arabia in the search for truth – laying waste along the way to anyone who looks remotely Muslim or Irish.

It’s a gore-fest! One particular scene thrills me Sly. It’s when you come face to face with the leader of the terrorist organization Al-Bathsheba (Abdullah O’Mahoney). This particular baddie will become a screen legend because of his cruelty to his captives and the peculiar way he always seems to have little boys around him. In the climax scene you and he have to fight while an Armenian earthquake rattles around you and all the little boys are going to fall into a great big hole and you have to get to them on time and…..oh my…..I’m excited just thinking about it! 

Anyway, to cut to the chase, the movie ends with you running up to the top of one of the pyramids and screaming the name of your dead twin from the top of your lungs in an emotionally tortured piece of Academy Award-winning acting.

So what do you think Sly? Of course we need to tackle such things as appropriate product placement (perhaps a Coke in your hand on the pyramid?) but such things are trivial as you know. 

The script for Ramby is ready for your perusal and is yours for the nominal sum of just $10,000. The language has already been mumbled for you so you just have to read verbatim. You will never make a better investment my friend. I would also be grateful for a bit-part in the movie when it’s made (something like third dagger victim, scene three would do) because I would really enjoy watching how a movie gets made.

Please wire transfer me money in exchange for return of script by courier.

And enjoy the Oscar when it comes!

Sincerely,

Sean Firestarter

Flint, Michigan

Two 911s to go please...

In Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, there is a burger chain called nine eleven.

 I’ll repeat that. 

There is a burger chain called 911 in Riyadh. 

I shit you not.

I didn’t even realise I was there until I was asked if I wanted a side of sauce with my meal – when the guy said “hot sauce, coleslaw or nine eleven?”

I stood still for a second just taking the offer in and wondering if the guy was making fun of the infamous date by offering me an extra hot sauce - and I was thinking smugly to myself the joke was on him because I’m not an American when suddenly I looked up and there was the sign overhead - 911 Burgers. 

Note that I wasn’t offered nine one one sauce, but nine eleven. 

I SHIT YOU NOT. 

There is a burger chain in Saudi Arabia called 911.

Okay, let me explain what happened next. When I had finished my burger (and a damn fine one it was too) I sat to my laptop and started researching the company because, of course, I wanted to know if they predated or post-dated the actual 911.

Why?

I dunno really. Perhaps having that knowledge would have better informed my opinion of them; perhaps I just had nothing better to do. Anyway I began looking but found nothing of any consequence so the truth is I am none the wiser but, to be honest, I have decided in my own mind that the company came after the event. I have decided that because it allows me to create a new menu for them to replace the existing one (which doesn’t follow through on the 911 theme) and which I can offer in exchange for some money to help me in my present financial crisis.

I mean, there is a certain sense of wicked fun behind such a name for a burger joint isn’t there. I half expected the guy behind the counter to ask if I wanted my burger flame-grilled or done with aviation fuel! And what was 911 sauce anyway? I was afraid to ask. My mind had me racing to concoctions of powdered light bulbs and pulverized cement dust. 

I had the coleslaw.

Okay, we’ll start with the basic selection of standard burgers to tickle your palate and your sense of bad taste:

• ·        The GW Bush Burger: (two burger buns with nothing in between)
• ·        The Van Halen Burger (might as well jump)
• ·        The Nick Cage Burger: (ground zero beef smothered in an avalanche of debris sauce)
• ·        The Giuliani Burger: (a burger with zero tolerance for the intestinal tract)
• ·        The Oliver Stone Burger: (so tasty it’s not true!)
• ·        The South Tower Burger: (stacked very high so eat it quickly!)
• ·        The North Tower Burger: (lower than the South but still unstable)
• ·        The Windows on the World Burger: (most expensive crap on the menu)
• ·        World Trade 7 Burger: (it falls over when the person at the table next to you touches his food)
• ·        The Ring a Rosie (yup – it all falls down)
• ·        The 911 Special: (8oz of prime beef in a tasty trampoline sauce)

Sides: Searing is our speciality so please ask!

• Seared French Fries
• Seared Onion lengths (formerly rings)
• Seared and squished fish portions
• Sear-fried chicken-wings on a prayer
• Seared meatballs (that taste like chicken)

And for desserts I suppose the obvious choices would be a stack of scorching pancakes…apple pie with melted ice-cream….death by chocolate….and my favorites, Waffles Allah Mode and Flight Commander Brownies.

Ouch!

Begging Letter to Kim Jung-Un (North Korea)

Dear Kim Jong-Un,

I hope this letter finds you and all North Koreans well and that you are still putting on all those fabulous, colourful shows in football stadiums where hundreds of young people who haven’t eaten in weeks all dance in unison. They are such fun to watch! I’ve read that when these young people are practising for hours on end they have to wear diapers because toilet breaks interfere terribly with formations and training. Now that’s a cool idea if it’s true. That’s what I call maximization! Respect dude! 

Now I know you guys have been having problems with your southerly neighbours and I know also that the Americans have been demonising you of late but I’m here to tell you that not everyone in the world hates you. In fact, something as simple as a $5,000 contribution towards the publication of my New Communist Manifesto for the 21st Century would greatly improve your world image and make you many new friends.

Let me explain my plan. You see the whole world knows that in its purest form Communism is quite a wonderful concept and that it is only when it is put in the hands of people that it fails because, well, people are such greedy and controlling bastards. For this reason I suggest the first people-free Communist state. You know that island that you and your neighbours are always arguing about? Well let’s take that island, move all the people out, and then just let it sit there under New Communism (Communism without the Corruption). Imagine a Communist State with no one to besmirch the concept and you’ll get my drift. 

Utopia.

Now, if we follow this line of thinking further you’ll see that, for example, by moving all your people to South Korea you can, in fact, have a perfectly Communist North Korean State. Simple huh. But then the best ideas always are. Of course you will appreciate that while the idea in its simplest form is exquisite I still have many bugs to work out. My New Communist Manifesto is a work in progress and I am presently tackling such issues as the division of labour in a scenario where there is actually no labour force and maximizing production where there is no one to produce. 

But these are just technicalities. Preliminary trials in unpopulated regions such as Siberia have proven to be a great success. When we nationalized the snow there we didn’t have a single complaint and when we ordered no one to produce nothing all records were broken! 

My manifesto – Communism Under New Terms – is dedicated to you personally because I believe you are our only hope for the future. Yes, we may be a long way from a people-less society so we need to get creative with what we now have. I think I have improved some things about Communism at its core and if you’d like to take even just the following idea on board then feel free – after all you are going to wire me some money for my efforts!

Communism Under New Terms - Sex Tax:

It’s never before been done and it is probably the single biggest potential earner for any state. Taxes should vary. Single people having sex out of wedlock should be heavily taxed (not for any moral reason but because there is more of it!) and married couples less so. Nobody minds paying for pleasure do they? Couples co-habiting should be moderately taxed and encouraged to have open relationships so that we can impose a third-party sex tax, thereby raising even more money for the state. Adultery should be taxed at the highest rate as should incest. Same-sex relationship taxes should be the same as those of heterosexuals though we should impose a slightly higher charge for rear or foreign object entry because it requires more effort (or so they tell me!).

Outdoor sex should be charged at a higher rate as should sex when drunk, high or asleep because these are very common and could raise a lot of money. Sex in bed should be taxed less than sex in other places because it requires less effort. Sex at night should be taxed less than daytime sex because it doesn’t interfere with daily production targets. Sex with one’s boss or staff should not be taxed because it feeds directly into happiness in the workplace, thus positively impacting production. Finally, sexual assault should of course remain a crime but be taxed very heavily, as should sexual harassment and having the Playboy channel on cable.

Now you may ask how such taxes can be proven and collected. Well I am ahead of you there dear Kim. What we do is bar code all the penises and vaginas using a new invention of mine (The Genital Bar-Coding Gun – patent pending) and then all activities feed back to a central database which prints monthly activity reports. I’d be happy to send you draft plans for said device should you wish to investigate my proposal further.

Okay Kim. Wire me some money and let’s get started improving the quality of equality!

Sincerely,

Day Li Hump

The People’s Republic of Minnesota