Begging Letter to God

Dear God,

I know you probably hear this all the time but I feel like I’ve known you my whole life! 

The female vagina was inspired. I mean, you outdid yourself. Breasts are great, don’t get me wrong, and I know there are leg men and neck men and so on but if you do exist then I want to put it on record that vaginas are your crowning glory. Take a bow. How in your own name did you come up with that? I mean, what were you thinking? You must be the genius of all geniuses (geneii?).

When you created Eve was she a Marilyn Monroe-type shape or was she more of a Kate Moss? I ask because of the world’s fascination with the female form and how that image changes over time. We’re quite stupid here as you well know and it disturbs me that there are bulimic people and a global preoccupation with shape and size that drives many lives. Isn’t that awful? Do you think you could maybe level the buildings that house those awful magazines that some women stupidly allow to inform their lives? I’m not asking for any biblical disaster – something like what you did in Japan would be good.

By the way, what did the poor little Japs ever do to you FFS?

As Eve’s was the first vagina did you maybe cock it up (oops) first time and then get better as you went along? Or was the first vagina perfect from day one. She had kids so it was working fine I know. But was it the same? What color was it? And forgive me for focusing on just that part of the body of one of the two sexes but I’m a man and you already know how preoccupied we are with sex so there’s no need for me to explain more I know.

Anyway, Eve did exactly what you told her not to do. I have the same problem with my girlfriend so I can relate. I get pissed off about it just like you though I’ve stopped short at banishing her. I like her vagina too much. 

Now God there are some who say that you had nothing to do with anything and that evolution was responsible for it all. If you are there I think this might be a good time to respond to your critics. You could maybe appear to a few quantum physicists and scare the shit outa them for a laugh. Or maybe pop into Holland for a minute and go for the world jaw-dropping record. 

Well, my divine friend, I have decided to dedicate my life to the poor but I need some money to help me begin. I’m going to start doing the New York State Lottery and I wanted to tell you so you could help me achieve my vision of a world without poverty. If you could just wiggle your nose or whatever next Friday I sure could put that thirty-two million to good use. 

When I win the money I’m going to open a soup kitchen in Beverly Hills and help build up the emaciated female population of the area. I then plan to follow up with a full program of re-education designed to teach said women better eating habits, beginning with my book Protein Shakes for Beginners, a useful guide to getting the right stuff down your neck.

Thanks for the tight ass and the nice jawline you gave me, and perhaps as future generations of my family are born you could maybe phase out the ole cleft palate and the persistent yellow drool on the pillows.

Sincerely,

Christian Givvers

Churchville, Illinois