Dear Mark Zuckerberg,
I hope this letter finds the world’s youngest billionaire well and happy!
Hey! I’m circumcised too! Did yours hurt? Mine did. It’s not something one should have done in a clinic by the beach in Rio is it?
I have an idea I wanted to share with you, my young, chopped philanthropist, because I think you would be the perfect person to help me get this underway. I discovered recently that sexually transmitted diseases are running rampant all over the world and at first I thought it might be a good idea to try and do something to tackle this using your Facebook – maybe some kind of app that warns people their bits will fall off if they have sex with a dirty person or something like that. I mean, what kind of person passes on an STD anyway? That’s just sick man!
But then I had an inspirational moment Mark, one which led to the following proposal which I know you’ll love and want to fully support. I have this network of acquaintances who happen to work in STD clinics around the place and they have informed me that they would gladly get me the personal information of people who have STDs so we can publish it on the web and warn people with clean genitals to avoid them at all costs. Yes, let’s out them all! Let’s let the world know that these people have pus-filled penises and venomous vaginas and let’s start forcing them to clean up their act! And let’s not allow frontiers or race or creed to inform us. I don’t care who they are; if they’ve got genital warts or crabs they deserve to be exposed whether they are politicians, priests or PTA moms.
The site will be called DikiLeaks. Catchy enough to go viral huh!
Now there’s something we have to understand at the outset my friend; there are many powerful people with these diseases and it occurs to me that they will do nothing to stop their names getting into the public domain. You could be in danger. Of course I don’t mean these people will kill you or anything like that; they’re much more likely to try and embarrass you – claim you gave an STD to a Catholic schoolgirl or something like that. These people play dirty! But you are strong I know and with my support you will beat them. And if they try to stitch you up well you have more than enough money to tie them up in court for decades.
My support, by the way, involves creating the initial website and then handing it over to you for the paltry start-up cost of $10,000. Now I know that to you this seems like a tiny sum for initializing a huge, social paradigm shift but that’s simply the kind of guy I am. When I see an injustice I want to tackle it head on and the last thing I want to do is shaft you! Just think of all the good we’d be doing. Before going on a date a girl could do a site check for her date’s name to make sure he’s clean. And even if someone suddenly drops their guard when a little drunk they can use their smartphone and do a search in the time it takes one to remove a pair of pants.
I also have an idea for another website (we could link from DikiLeaks) promoting circumcision for non-Jews in the interests of public, sexual health. I can think of some very catchy slogans we could use as banner heads; such things as “Your wiener is cleaner” and “Smack a different monkey this weekend” would be great promotional aids I’m sure. This additional idea I give you from the goodness of my heart. You just cannot put a price on public health can you?
So Mark, please send money transfer and let’s get started changing the world!
Sincerely,
C. Phyllis
Foreskin, Michigan
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