Dear Oprah,
How’s the retirement?
You know ever since you left I have no one to tell me what books I should be reading. I also miss the smug Dr. Phil with his whiney voice and all that priceless advice you guys hurled at us over the years. In truth, Oprah, you are sorely missed and we haven’t filled the chasm yet. And how’s the weight these long days? I hope you are not overeating out of boredom. Well if you find you are please feel free to get in touch with a group I discovered in Chicago called Fat and Not Necessarily Young (FANNY). Tell them I sent you!
You know it is often reported how you are one of the richest women in the world. Even if you aren’t, you still have a heck of a lot more money than I do so I’m writing to ask if you can assist me with a little endeavor close to my heart. It is my aim to set up a survivors club for people who were beaten by their parents when they were young. Now this club will be very different because it will not be for regular people whose parents kicked the shit outa them - there are far too many of those – my club will exist only to support those victims who have gone on to become huge stars and earned a whole mess of money.
Good idea huh!
Some names of those who need assistance spring immediately to mind: there’s the Scottish rapper Hot T whose father kicked him repeatedly and who sang the immortal words,
‘You kicked me in the ass when ya caught me smokin’ grass
Ya wuz tryin’ to lead me when ya kneed me,
And when ya kicked ma nuts and ya sliced me too,
I wrote it down in blood pappy – I luv you.’
And then there’s the Bollywood actor Cashmir Pashmeeri whose family were very rich but no one knew how he had suffered as a child. He has made many movies based on his own life experience, including Scumbag Millionaire and Living in the Punchjab.
And then there’s poor Colonel McCarthy from that African country whose reign of terror obviously had a lot less to do with dictatorship than it had with parental abuse. Poor man. He just needs a hug.
And the list goes on and on.
These guys need help Oprah, and there are many others like them; many of them friends of yours I’m sure. Well I want to help. I plan to call my initial program Survivors Living And Performing (SLAP) and then add a follow-on therapy aimed at teaching people not to perpetuate the abuse. This I call The Go Down, Stay Down Program. I intend to have daily group sessions using a controversial new technique called Physical Reliving in order to push victims to an early breakthrough because, let’s face it, every minute they don’t work they lose a lot more money than someone like me!
Well do you like my idea girl?
I need just $50,000 to get started. Please send it as soon as you can via wire transfer.
Sincerely,
Liza Mannelli
Broken Jaw, Philadelphia
PS: Why didn’t you make any more movies? You were great in those Shirley Temple classics!
No comments:
Post a Comment