FICTION:
It’s 1984 and at a drunken meeting of Hollywood action heroes it is decided to make donations to a sperm bank in order to protect the future of the action-film hero. Those guys have to look out for each other after all.
Arnie makes a contribution (rather a small one) as does Sly (after much persuasion from his mother) and then Steven Seagal came last (once someone had given him a gay mag). Jean Claude needed a few weeks but he came up with the goods too once he’d finally woken up and then all was frozen and locked away for the future.
Jump to 1985 and the sperm bank is attacked and looted during Los Angeles riots and the samples are stolen and sold to a crack whore who needs kids so she can claim more welfare benefits. The stupid bitch went and artificially inseminated herself with all samples at the same time and then became pregnant.
The resulting child would change cinema and the world…
FACT:
Alexander Nevsky - Actor - Action Hero – star of Treasure Raiders
Christ I can’t believe I’m writing about this asshole. I do so because in my boredom here I had the terrible misfortune to sit through one of the worst films ever made; Treasure Raiders, and Nevsky is the star. It’s like a mixture of National Treasure and The DaVinci Code starring the retarded child of the aforementioned sperm donors. I was glued to the screen it was that bad. The movie also features some skeletal Carradine brother and that slapper from Twin Peaks who never really died more’s the pity. It’s set in Russia.
The supporting cast is shocking. The script is autistic. The camerawork is infantile and even the end credits don’t save it. The movie was made in 2007 and had a budget of $10 million. Ten fucking million! Imagine how much good one could do with that much money! You, like me, will want to lay waste to the collection of assholes responsible for the imbecilic, talentless, celluloid wankfest that is Treasure Raiders.
And so to Nevsky, the lead actor. I’m talking about the kind of bad acting we could only aspire to had we been swung by the legs as babies and had our heads repeatedly cracked against door jambs. Imagine the fattest Seagal with the stupidest Stallone with the most wooden Van Damme and then add a pinch of Arnie’s awful accent. Yeah, it’s really that bad. David Caruso would look like a Shakespearean actor beside this wanker and anyone who makes Caruso look good must be a royal, acting spastic don’t you agree? Watching Treasure Raiders I wanted to beat Nevsky to death with his own foot.
Nevsky, like Arnie, has a bodybuilding background. After years spent winning everything in Moscow he then published bestselling fitness books…bollocks….I couldn’t be arsed telling you more until eventually…………wait for it……..he ended up in the Lee Strasberg Acting School. The fucking Lee Strasberg Acting School!!!! The same Lee Strasberg School that trained DeNiro and Pacino and Keitel and Hoffman and Marlon Brando.
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here’s an interesting fact. Jack Nicholson had to audition five times to get into Strasberg’s Acting School. Yup, five times. And that was a very young and hungry Nicholson too. Hoffman auditioned six times….Harvey Keitel eleven times. That fucking school had standards man! One year, out of 2,000 candidates for places at Strasberg, only two were accepted….Martin Landau and Steve McQueen. Understand? See what I’m saying?
And they let Nevsky in!
What is the world coming to? Next they’ll be telling us Drew Barrymore has talent. Yikes!
PLOT:
Historian who likes racing meets his racing nemesis and oh ….they share a common interest in treasure hunting! They hunt for treasure. There is a baddie.
END PLOT:
That’s Treasure Raiders folks and believe it or not, Nevsky wrote it!
Not with joined letters I bet.
Christ I can still taste the bile. I think the storyboard was probably finger-painted.
And I get angrier and angrier at shit like this when I see how real artists struggle to make essential viewing like City of God or Das Boot or The Lives of Others; films that simply screamed to be made and must be seen whatever the cost. Movies like these save an industry that is awash with talentless Nevskys.
Movies like Treasure Raiders are proof positive that the industry is drowning in a pool of its own prawn-cocktail piss. Shame on the misfits who have anything to do with this rubbish. History will be much more unkind to them than I could ever be.
As for Nevsky, he’ll no doubt end up kicking the shit out of some famous wrestler one of these action-movie days. He will be rich. His career will no doubt span three years. Our lives will be no better or worse for it but our intelligences will be deeply offended. And the most maddening thing of all is that Nevsky shares his name with one of the most important Russians in history, a medieval warrior, beatified and once voted the greatest Russian ever!
By the way, read this from an actual sperm-bank website…
Los Angeles California Cryobank sperm donors will be reimbursed up to $100 per donation and up to $1200 a month by donating 3 times a week. We periodically offer incentives such as movie tickets or gift certificates for extra time and effort expended by participating sperm donors.
What the fuck is extra time and effort? Is that like having a slow rather than a fast wank? Is that like making two consecutive deposits?
Are they paying by the fluid ounce???
I wonder if you have to work a week in hand.
I was going to invest in this clinic but I pulled out at the last minute!
Just as you leave the clinic, do they thank you for coming?
Okay okay…..I’m done now…
….or should I say spent?
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