Dear Julian Assange,
Hello there you albino genius you!
I hope this letter finds you well and that you never more fall victim to the kinds of insidious attacks you have been subjected to in recent times. And that is why I write.
I am presently incarcerated in upstate New York and sorely in need of the $10,000 bail the man is demanding from me. Now I know that you are not a very rich man Julian, but you do have friends with money and I’m not asking for much am I? Like you, I too have been falsely accused by people who see me as a threat to the political status quo. Let me explain.
Apparently, in the good ole USA, the land of “free” speech, it is not okay to say what you think about the President without half the fricken’ FBI chasing you, reading your mails and listening in on your phone calls. And I wasn’t even threatening Barack Obama! I wrote an e-mail to a friend in which I was reacting to some observations of his about the President of his Tenants’ Association. I jokingly replied to his complaints about the asshole that he should send him a letter bomb or maybe pay someone to take him out. Who’d have thought the subject matter line of my mail would put me before a judge? Well it did and so here I am, an apparent threat to the state, and all I wanted to do was give some good-natured advice to a friend.
In return for your help with my bail Julian, I’m prepared to offer you what are probably the most explosive documents your site will ever publish. I have in my possession (don’t ask me how I got them) the school reports of every major politician in the world for the last hundred years and I promise you that owning them would put you on a whole new footing with world leaders. Let me give you a taste of what these people would never want to see in the public domain.
Written by Barack Obama’s Grade 2 teacher:
“He is a charming boy with the concentration span of a gnat and he refuses to take his finger out of his nose! Also, he constantly claims to the others that he can do things we all know he simply cannot but he insists and insists until we let him try and so he wastes a lot of class time...why does he always come to school in a suit”?
Written by Dominique Strauss Kahn’s high school teacher:
“…constantly bothering the girls and frequently quite rough – especially with the latinas. We feel he should be removed from the school and transferred, perhaps, to our sister school in New York. Far too preoccupied with money!”
Written by Robert Mugabe’s elementary school teacher:
“Your son is a compulsive liar and shows signs of brutality never before seen in this institution. He is a sore loser and he takes everything personally. He will say anything you want to hear to get what he wants but be careful with him - he is not as he seems.”
Written by King Assad’s High School teacher in Syria:
Your son is far too conscious of his height and ugliness and so overcompensates for his self-consciousness by kicking others all around him. Please inform him that this is no way to earn respect or to win friends.”
See Julian? And I have school reports for everyone from David Cameron to the King of Saudi Arabia. These make fascinating reading and they would give you a whole lot of leverage you do not presently have. They are yours in exchange for a simple wire transfer and you can use them as you see fit.
Please send ASAP
Sincerely,
Prisoner 2560179
NY NY (So good they bombed it twice)
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