Dear Bob Geldof,
I bet you must be really pissed of right now. I mean, you did all that great work in the eighties and not only does the problem of hunger and famine remain in Africa, it threatens to worsen! If I were you I’d be sick as a dog about that. You and the guys worked your asses off and for what? More resources for guerrillas? But, let’s be philosophical about it all; we both know that famine is not so much caused by a food shortage as it is by crooked governments and warring factions and bare-faced theft.
Like you, I too would probably not piss on a politician who was on fire.
But you’ll be delighted to hear that I write today to propose a solution to these problems so that future economic and food aid might arrive where it’s supposed to, thus saving millions of lives. I propose not sending any more aid directly to Africa; instead, let’s get an IKEA franchise in there and build superstores all over the place offering DIY huts and irrigation systems and so on. Does this seem crazy to you? Well read on my bohemian friend and be enlightened.
For example; Somalians who need food, water and supplies go to the superstore where, upon presentation of fingerprint identification, they are first given a helping of those exquisite meatballs that are IKEA’s most famous product. Adults should be served eight meatballs and children four. Fat adults and children should get nothing to eat. If arms are missing then footprints can suffice. Quadriplegics will pose a problem. Any ideas?
There will be a complimentary 50 liter drum of Irish rainwater for every shopper. End of step one; the people are fed. Then, using a simple voucher system the shoppers can wander from department to department and purchase whatever supplies they need. IKEA would then send you on the vouchers so you can personally ensure that the aid is going to those who need it most.
Now if you, by chance, happen to come across any vouchers that have been exchanged for such things as fertilizer then you can report those bomb makers to the authorities and have them shot. Similarly, if you encounter vouchers for such things as hammers and machetes then once more you will have identified insurgents or terrorists and you can have them weeded out. You need not worry about making any errors Bob because everyone knows that the only meaningful tool one needs after shopping in IKEA is a pissy little Allen key screwdriver.
Inspired huh! And IKEA would love it because they’re trying to take over the world and the continent is just lying there waiting for them to move in but the market hasn’t got the money. But the West does, and as long as IKEA don’t sell Uzis there shouldn’t be a problem!
You may think such a company as IKEA would never buy into my idea but this, Bob, is where I come in. I have a friend in Sweden, Monica, whom I will soon be revisiting for therapeutic purposes (an old disco wound on my inner thigh). She has promised to introduce me to a whole host of senior IKEA managers whom she also treats and I think that if I could wine and dine these guys a few times I could pull off the coup of the century! I reckon about $10,000 should cover my planned long weekend. So what do you think? I know I know, it’s so simple it’s stupid and it just might work! Are you as excited as I am? Perhaps you’d like to come with me and experience some Swedish hospitality first-hand? Monica has many famous friends, including that guy from that website who got busted.
Please see my money transfer details below but hurry. As I write it’s Monday here and I need to be in Sweden Thursday night or I miss my slot.
Sincerely,
D. Stendedbelly
Cookstown, Chicago
No comments:
Post a Comment