Dear Clint Eastwood,
Respect dude!
You are my favorite movie director and I have been a fan for many years.
Is Hilary Swank really a man?
You know I cried when you pulled the plug on her in that movie. Isn’t it funny how things change! Time was you’d have shot her in the head to put her out of her misery. I guess you’ve grown as a person as you’ve aged. Oh! And whenever you see Gene Hackman will you thank him for me for beating the shit out of Richard Harris in Unforgiven? I’d wanted to do that for years.
Now you’ll never believe this but my doctor recently told me I was suffering from Clint Eastwood Syndrome! Have you ever heard of it? You must have surely. It turns out that any male who requires a bottom enhancement from a plastic surgeon is deemed to have CES. You see I Clint, like you, am thin (though you are taller) and I have been the butt (‘scuse the pun) of many jokes about the fact that I simply have no ass.
All my life people have made fun of me, calling me such horrible names as Stan Laurel and Eminem and Steve Jobs so after many years of suffering I finally took action and had my problem formally diagnosed. The only thing now is to pay the $10,000 to have my ass newly sculpted. Of course I’m not you; I don’t have that kind of money - but seeing as how the illness is named after you how would you feel about paying for my surgery?
You’d never think this Clint but when I went to the clinic they had a whole book of asses to choose from! You could select from a range of bottom styles starting with a little cutie Justin Timberlake and then moving across the spectrum to the more homely and broad Brian Dennehy right up to the enormous and deadly Cecil the Entertainer. I chose the Brad Pitt. It’s full of character and it’s just the right shade of ghostly white.
Now I wouldn’t ask you to give me this money for nothing. You and I could find some way for me to repay you, if not in cold, hard cash then maybe I could sell advertising space on my newly formed butt cheeks and we could promote your new movies as they come out. You’ll no doubt agree that this would be a great opportunity in the future should you ever direct movies with such titles as Dirty Hairy or High Plains Sphincter. And should you ever decide to run for political office again I’d happily attend functions and have your name tattooed on my butt (just your first name mind!) to show my support.
Well Clint I’ve heard many times how you have a very big heart so I hope you’ll consider this request and wire me some money sooner rather than later because I’ve just seen your latest picture and you frankly don’t look like you’re gonna be with us a whole lot longer.
But you know what? There’s gonna be a great big party for you in the sky man. You’ve done three lifetimes’ work.
Sincerely,
Stanley Rubric
Flatcheeks, Alabama
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