Dear Martha Stewart,
Like you I was once in jail, though unlike you since I got out I have been unable to earn any real money and this is why I write. I’m sure you can appreciate my frustration at having a wonderful business idea that no one will fund because I’ve had the misfortune to do time once and, well, you know what preconceived notions people have about us jailbirds!
Like you, I was jailed for using insider information, though in my case the information was an envelope of pictures taken of a senator and a married neighbour of mine while he was insider!
It occurs to me Martha that just because people are criminals that doesn’t mean the authorities should process or incarcerate them in an environment that pays no mind to what may be in fashion at any given time. The fact is, I believe, that the prison system has no idea of the power of colour or texture. I’m sure, for example, had they taken you away in pink handcuffs you would have felt a lot less depressed because that color just oozes comfort. And in your jail cell, had there been good quality furnishings with fluffy pillows and cushions and maybe some nice drapes, your few months would have flown by rather than crawled.
This leads me to what is, in effect, a simple suggestion, but one that could make us both a whole mess of money. What if we launched a line of prison wear and furnishings? Nowadays a lot of prisons are going private and there is so much money in the incarceration business it would not be too difficult to pick up a few contracts, especially in those prisons with bleeding heart governors who want to house their inmates in more humanitarian environments.
I propose first and foremost a whole range of women’s prison wear. We can begin by throwing out the high-necked traditional orange two-piece jumpsuit and replace it with a lower-cut celeste or salmon option. Indeed, the color could reflect the crime so that the worse the crime the darker the color. Or, where preferred, we could offer what I call a range of castigation clothes. For example, we could make butch, lesbian killers wear pretty little flounces and heels or we could make white-collar businesswoman wear beige power suits to strip them of any credibility. Of course these are just some initial ideas but if we follow through to the male prison populations just look at the potential! We could make the queers wear dungarees to make life difficult, rapists wear dungarees back to front to make life easier for their assailants inside, and so on.
Asymmetrical prison bars in cells would break up the cold, hard lines of the prison and again multitask insofar as, for example, identifying the criminal or the crime. Horizontal bars could represent pussy-cat prisoners who just want to study their SATs while diagonal bars could represent people who lean towards compulsive deviancy etc.
In fact, Martha, the possibilities are endless and run the whole gamut of prison utilities from re-upholstering vans to bringing a touch of Martha to the canteen. But don’t just take my word for it! Send me $10,000 so I can finish a basic portfolio for market research purpose and I will give you first option on a ground-floor buyout. I have already developed a range of bouncing prison soaps (why has no one ever thought of it!) in striking colours as well as a new prisoner potty which, after use, doubles as a gas stove or a sink which, after use, folds into a neat coffee table or a step-aerobics utility whose legs are non-removable in case of prison riots.
Are you as excited as I am Martha? Please immediately send me a money transfer and I’ll be back in touch.
Sincerely,
Kay Mart
Sellblock, Wisconsin
P.S. You were right to dump Anthony Hopkins. He scares the shit outa me too!
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