Dear Terri Irwin,
G’day Sheila!
How’s my favorite widow doin’? Guess the nights are lonely there for you right now but cheer up, you’ll find another…….actually......no – I guess you won’t.
You know we all miss your Steve. He wasn’t the brainiest man in the world bless him, and he did so like to torment those poor animals he was always groping, but his heart was in the right place. You’ve probably been asked this before but did you wonder for a while if maybe the animal kingdom had a contract out on your husband? I mean, it wouldn’t be surprising would it? I wonder if the crocodiles put out a contract the stingray collected on.
Anyway, I thought I’d write a few lines to pass on my condolences and ask if you could maybe send me some of the insurance money you got for losing Steve to help me out with my sick dog, Einstein. I call him that because he can do some great tricks such as proving infinite, repeating decimals with one paw and a big bowl of grapes.
Let me explain my situation to you because I know, one animal lover to another, that it will tug at your heart strings and you’ll want to run to your nearest money transfer office and send me a few grand. A couple of weeks ago I was walking my best friend in the park, watching him playing his silly trigonometry games with the tree shadows he then pissed in, when he suddenly snuffled over to something on the ground and then ate it without a second thought. The next morning the vomiting started and then he got a fit of the runs so you can imagine the state of my house by the time we were leaving for the vet’s.
Well the vet did some X-rays (Jesus they cost a lot!) and then he said he needed to keep Einstein for a few days to do a proper diagnosis and when that was done my world collapsed. You see, Terri mate, it turns out my best friend has contracted a terrible and rare disease called Durexosis which can only be contracted by animals who consume used condoms. I mean, what are the odds!! Fate has struck me such a cruel blow! To make matters worse apparently the only known cure can only be found in the eyeballs of a Columbian jellyfish so I now need to travel there to buy the serum and, well; you know what United Airlines are like don’t you.
So Terri, knowing how great you are in the face of adversity and how very much you love all animals I hope you will seize this opportunity to give something back to the animal kingdom which has been so good to you (I exclude marine life from that for obvious reasons) by sending me $5,000 as soon as you can. Please don’t send me Australian dollars if you can avoid it; and if you can’t then send me 10,000 of those by money transfer.
Good luck with your career without Steve and if that doesn’t work out then don’t worry because I’ve just had a brainwave! What about Crocodile Dundee as a new partner? He’s looked the same age for thirty years!
You should invite him over for a barbie - if he’s not still married to her.
Sincerely,
Samantha Ray
Everglades, Florida
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