Dear Tiger Woods,
Well howdy!
I hope this letter finds you well my favourite African-American. My but didn’t you simply implode after that car fiasco! You know I felt very sorry for you when all that happened; especially so when it became clear that your game was tightly welded to your public image and once that was shattered well, there was simply nothing left for you to give. But cheer up. You’re a whole lot better at throwing clubs than anyone thought!
Now I know you are a clever man Tiger and so you had plenty of opportunity to stash away lots of savings before the sponsors and the trophies went elsewhere and so that’s why I write. I had the most inspired idea recently as I was being attacked and beaten senseless with a nine iron in East LA. Each time that club came down on my skull the idea grew and grew until I simply had to act – once out of Rehab of course.
So Tiger, my main man! I hope you can dig into your pocket and find a few thousand dollars to assist me as I set up a new golf school for wayward youngsters. I can think of no better alternative for a crack whore than the occasional bit of rough. Can you? I can think of no better way to tackle the problem of drive-by shootings that taking these kids off the streets, putting them in gay yellow sweaters, and giving them golf clubs. These people need our help and we must stand up and be counted at this time of social crisis.
I would be happy to forward you more details of my scheme if you should wish to see them. I have draft plans for converting derelict, inner-city areas into urban golf links. Many of our worst addicts and criminals could maybe start out just caddying until they get a feel for the game, gravitating later to holes in one and those other things you guys make look so difficult. The whole thing would be closely married to our 18-step plan for beating addiction without beating people. The youngsters would have to tee-off at the beginning of the program and yes, of course, there will be bunkers and dropped-shots along the way but there will also be birdies and some kids may even soar like eagles at the end of it all. Each iteration would conclude with the Tiger Woods Annual Trophy (TWAT) for the best overall golfer who hasn’t shot at anybody, trashed a car or died from an overdose. We are also thinking of giving a medal to any golfer who has manages to maintain a stable relationship for the duration of the program.
So what do you think?
Wouldn’t you like to give something back? Of course you would. Please send by money transfer as soon as you can.
Well good luck Tiger as you try to rebuild your career. Just stay away from the white women man. Dem bitches be crazy!
Sincerely,
Tom Driver,
Fairway, Las Vegas
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