Dear Charlie Sheen,
I’m such a fan! Of course everyone is – you must be tired of hearing that.
I hope this letter finds you well and dry because lately you sure have been burning the wet t-shirt at both ends! It’s been a while since you’ve been on the large or small screen in anything new man and to tell the truth we all do miss that cheeky grin and those lacerating quips of yours! You know when you went off the rails I feared for you for a while; I was worried you might take it all too far and maybe drink yourself to death before you had the chance to give something back. Of course I know you are not an alcoholic; you simply have a constant thirst for alcohol – like most men – though you can afford to quench yours and, being single, you can drink whenever you like. I think I might hate you.
Well, if this letter finds you alive and well I hope you’ll send some money to a new self-help group of mine which sure could do with a little financial backing right now!
We are called Pissheads Rebelling in Calvin Klein’s (PRICKS) and we aim to give support to rich individuals like you who don’t know when they’re well-off. The whole philosophy behind PRICK is a simple one. Members have to be rich and famous and they need to have engaged in drunken acts of public self-destruction on at least two occasions before they can join our group. Naturally Charlie we would consider you an honorary PRICK - along with Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.
Here’s how we help people like you and them; first we kidnap the idiot and we tape the offender’s mouth shut and follow by shutting down his or her Twitter because, let’s face it, PRICKS just don’t know when to shut up! We then forbid them to occupy hotel balconies or other places where they might gather onlookers.
Second we admit them to a special PRICKS Clinic where subjects will be repeatedly bombarded with images of advertisements for Disney movies, still water and tofu as well as being frequently kicked senseless by a number of poor kids from the projects who’ve volunteered to assist us because they hate rich PRICKS.
Third, and most importantly, begins our re-programming. In these group therapy sessions you will be encouraged to focus on why it is you are a PRICK and how you can stop being one. Once you have been verbally and physically abused and cried a few times you will have your personal epiphany Charlie – a wonderful moment of enlightenment in which you will weep like an infant and after which you will sign 50% of your worldly goods over to our organisation out of sheer gratitude and relief. You will then slide across to our recovery program for re-entry into society. This we call Coming out Clean (COC).
Do you see the progression Charles? You go from being a right PRICK to being a COC in only a matter of weeks (longer if you’re gonna be a pussy about it). At first you’ll just be a little COC but later, when you’ve learned to show some self-control, you’ll be a much bigger one.
So come on Charlie and send me some money! I bet you made millions out of that Two and a Half Men children’s CD with all those racy songs on it. You know I did try to release one myself a few years back but I think I was ahead of my time; the market was just not ready for such songs as Dyslexics Love Fcuking, Uncle Tim Made me a Website, Animals Burn Easy and Mama Can’t Wake-Up Today. They did have some complex rhythms I’ll grant you – but why don’t you be the judge. Tell you what! I’ll throw them in when you send me some money like the PRICK you are!
Sincerely,
Dylan MacMillan
Cirrhosis, Wichita
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