Dear Sly,
I can call you that can’t i?
God but you’re ugly!
But then I’ve seen your mother and so I guess that explains that.
And where the hell were you when the twin towers came down? I guess you were drinking with Bruce Willis and Chuck Norris and the other action heroes at Christopher Reeve’s house. We sure could have done with you guys that day.
I’m writing for two reasons – the first is to heap praise on you for your long career and the second is to sell you the script of my new blockbuster movie Ramby.
Why did you turn down the original Die Hard part of John McClane and then also the role of The Terminator and cheat yourself out of even more great franchises? Bad decisions my friend. I guess you mustn’t have been thinking straight when you read the scripts. I guess you must’ve been dosed up on something to make you big and strong.
Apart from those disgraceful errors of judgement (they were, weren’t they – I mean, they must haunt you) I have to say that ever since you first stepped into the ring and dripped blood and sweat on to the camera lens you have been a great hero of mine; ever since you first picked up an oversized, turbo-charged machine gun weighing fifty pounds and murdered the indigenes I have been a fan. I have forgiven you your humble, pornographic beginnings because there is much more to you, I know, than that thing you swing which the Catholics are afraid of.
Did you know you are G.W. Bush’s favorite actor? What a compliment for you! I read in your biography that you are a staunch republican – which is the opposite to being a staunch Democrat – both of which are akin to being more than a little mentally challenged – but then we have always known that about you Sly.
Well now, facing the age of seventy and with the world in economic crisis, I’m sure you’ve been giving some thought to your investments. I know you lost your shirt on that Planet Hollywood farce so I guess you’re being real sensible these days about what you put your money into. Well what I have for you today is a cast-iron sure thing; one that cannot fail. All it needs is someone to take a chance on it – just what you needed with Rocky as I recall!
Ramby tells the story of a retired Army boxing champ (you of course!) whose younger fat, twin brother was killed in the Gulf in a suspicious Government test involving marijuana cheese strings. To get to the bottom of what happened our hero has to infiltrate the jungles of Iraq and negotiate the shark-infested waters of Saudi Arabia in the search for truth – laying waste along the way to anyone who looks remotely Muslim or Irish.
It’s a gore-fest! One particular scene thrills me Sly. It’s when you come face to face with the leader of the terrorist organization Al-Bathsheba (Abdullah O’Mahoney). This particular baddie will become a screen legend because of his cruelty to his captives and the peculiar way he always seems to have little boys around him. In the climax scene you and he have to fight while an Armenian earthquake rattles around you and all the little boys are going to fall into a great big hole and you have to get to them on time and…..oh my…..I’m excited just thinking about it!
Anyway, to cut to the chase, the movie ends with you running up to the top of one of the pyramids and screaming the name of your dead twin from the top of your lungs in an emotionally tortured piece of Academy Award-winning acting.
So what do you think Sly? Of course we need to tackle such things as appropriate product placement (perhaps a Coke in your hand on the pyramid?) but such things are trivial as you know.
The script for Ramby is ready for your perusal and is yours for the nominal sum of just $10,000. The language has already been mumbled for you so you just have to read verbatim. You will never make a better investment my friend. I would also be grateful for a bit-part in the movie when it’s made (something like third dagger victim, scene three would do) because I would really enjoy watching how a movie gets made.
Please wire transfer me money in exchange for return of script by courier.
And enjoy the Oscar when it comes!
Sincerely,
Sean Firestarter
Flint, Michigan
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