Begging Letter to Bill Gates

Dear Bill Gates,

MS Word up!

I hope this letter finds you well and I sincerely hope you remember from time to time to take a break from all your philanthropic endeavours.

I am a bit of a nerd and I’ve been working anonymously for many years now on improving your OS. In fact, I do believe I have many priceless suggestions that can positively input to your next version of Windows. Now I could be a greedy man and let you pay me an annual king’s ransom for my talent but I don’t want to do that; my talent can’t be chained to a desk Bill. My plan is to let you have all my ideas in one fell swoop for a once-off price of $100,000. You would then have copyright for eternity and you can take all the credit yourself or give some of it to some of your more challenged designers there. 

My modifications have been typed, explained and prepared in full manuscript form and are now available for your perusal. Should you wish to read them I will send the first half of the manuscript at a cost of 50% down payment with the balance to follow as you request the second half. Without compromising any of my ideas and knowing you will fully respect my intellectual property please see below just a tiny fraction of what the manuscript includes….

Windows Blow Me!

Hardware device, straw-like, connected to phono socket. The software allows users to blow into the device to have hours of fun altering photos and images. I am currently working on the Suck Me software. Not quite sure what it will do yet. 

MS Word Thesis Seeker: 

Coding addition to MS Word. When users open the thesis template and type in their title the program automatically searches the internet for similar thesis titles the user can download and modify and make his own. Users can differentiate between BA, MA and Doctoral theses to maximize searches.

CTL/ALT/F12/TAB/ESC/DEL/PRNTSCR/HOME:

Shortcut to desktop.

Keyboard Changes:

The Windows Key, instead of bringing up the Start Menu (which, let’s face it, is a complete waste of time) instead produces a popup menu with e-Bay/ PayPal and Messenger shortcuts with two other empty slots for sale to brand names who can afford to be included in the release. Microsoft could also sell these keys for a slice of the online sales action generated by them. Cool huh!

DBA Key:

The DBA key will be the old right Alt (which only sad gamers use). Its function will be like that of a gadget but the gadget will be the user’s live bank account balance details with suggested items for purchase daily. DBA means Don’t Buy Apple (you’re welcome) and so said products should be from whatever other range or business partnership MS may be involved in.

WTF Key:

Now we all know what WTF means but I propose taking the exclamation and putting it to positive use. The WTF Key, in my updated Windows version (I call it Windows Intifada) will eliminate the need for much printed and voice technical support. In the event of a failed boot or a blue screen the user presses the WTF key and a voice (Indian or Pakistani is more cost effective I know) talks the user through the problem’s stages and suggests solutions.

Clever huh! If the user fails to find a solution then you can sell them the instruction manual using the DBA key and a modem connection.

Well Bill, as you can see the Outlook is good for Windows Intifada. I give you my Word I will Excel at everything I do and knowing your propensity for pouncing on a great business idea please immediately wire aforementioned 50% to me through money transfer to Access what will no doubt be a fruitful relationship.

Sincerely

Sno T Geek

Nerdsville, Stanford