Dear Hugo Chávez,
¡Alo Presidente!
My but you’ve been in office a very long time! Some would say too long but not me. I say good for you. How’s your old buddy Fidel? Better than you about now I guess. I heard you’ve been unwell and I’m sorry to hear that. I only hope your illness isn’t some kind of divine retribution. That would really suck for you. On the plus side, if you die Simon Bolivar will no doubt be waiting to have a few words with you in the next life. That’s a conversation I’d love to hear! On a more positive note though, without hair you know you look like the bad guy from Austin Powers!
I’m writing to ask for a little loan. I know your country has an awful lot of money from all that oil you have and I know you sure don’t spend it at home improving hospitals and education and infrastructure so I’m guessing you have quite a bit of cash lying around! Yes, you give a lot to your political friends abroad in case you might ever need them to pull you out of a hole but you must still have a lot stashed away I reckon.
Let me explain my situation to you. I need about five hundred thousand US dollars (please don’t send me your own worthless currency) in order to launch my own political party in Florida. I haven’t decided on a name for it yet but it will definitely be socialist once all the money is spent. You’ll be glad to hear one of its chief aims will be to close outspoken and independent media channels just like you do!
This new party will buy up property in Cuba once things start to open up there and these investments will quadruple in no time I promise you. At that stage I will happily return your money if you are still alive or in power.
Now you may ask what’s in such an arrangement for you in the short-term. Well I won’t offend you by talking about such vulgar things as interest rates. What I will say is that in return for your initial assistance I will undertake to say nice things about you to anyone in the capitalist world who will listen. I will, in addition and with some additional financial assistance from you, propose the Hugo Chávez scholarship program for American universities. We could pay fees for poor Americans who haven’t the money they need to go to college so they can learn all about poverty and how to solve it. These young people could later do a one-year program in your country, maybe assisting all those 17 year-old Cuban doctors who run your public clinics. Your followers, in turn, could kidnap these volunteers and you could recoup your investment money that way.
What do you think?
Chew it over like one of those Cuban cigars and then please forward money transfer as soon as possible.
Saludos,
Carlos Marcos
Little Cuba, Miami
No comments:
Post a Comment