Dear Kim Jong-Un,
I hope this letter finds you and all North Koreans well and that you are still putting on all those fabulous, colourful shows in football stadiums where hundreds of young people who haven’t eaten in weeks all dance in unison. They are such fun to watch! I’ve read that when these young people are practising for hours on end they have to wear diapers because toilet breaks interfere terribly with formations and training. Now that’s a cool idea if it’s true. That’s what I call maximization! Respect dude!
Now I know you guys have been having problems with your southerly neighbours and I know also that the Americans have been demonising you of late but I’m here to tell you that not everyone in the world hates you. In fact, something as simple as a $5,000 contribution towards the publication of my New Communist Manifesto for the 21st Century would greatly improve your world image and make you many new friends.
Let me explain my plan. You see the whole world knows that in its purest form Communism is quite a wonderful concept and that it is only when it is put in the hands of people that it fails because, well, people are such greedy and controlling bastards. For this reason I suggest the first people-free Communist state. You know that island that you and your neighbours are always arguing about? Well let’s take that island, move all the people out, and then just let it sit there under New Communism (Communism without the Corruption). Imagine a Communist State with no one to besmirch the concept and you’ll get my drift.
Utopia.
Now, if we follow this line of thinking further you’ll see that, for example, by moving all your people to South Korea you can, in fact, have a perfectly Communist North Korean State. Simple huh. But then the best ideas always are. Of course you will appreciate that while the idea in its simplest form is exquisite I still have many bugs to work out. My New Communist Manifesto is a work in progress and I am presently tackling such issues as the division of labour in a scenario where there is actually no labour force and maximizing production where there is no one to produce.
But these are just technicalities. Preliminary trials in unpopulated regions such as Siberia have proven to be a great success. When we nationalized the snow there we didn’t have a single complaint and when we ordered no one to produce nothing all records were broken!
My manifesto – Communism Under New Terms – is dedicated to you personally because I believe you are our only hope for the future. Yes, we may be a long way from a people-less society so we need to get creative with what we now have. I think I have improved some things about Communism at its core and if you’d like to take even just the following idea on board then feel free – after all you are going to wire me some money for my efforts!
Communism Under New Terms - Sex Tax:
It’s never before been done and it is probably the single biggest potential earner for any state. Taxes should vary. Single people having sex out of wedlock should be heavily taxed (not for any moral reason but because there is more of it!) and married couples less so. Nobody minds paying for pleasure do they? Couples co-habiting should be moderately taxed and encouraged to have open relationships so that we can impose a third-party sex tax, thereby raising even more money for the state. Adultery should be taxed at the highest rate as should incest. Same-sex relationship taxes should be the same as those of heterosexuals though we should impose a slightly higher charge for rear or foreign object entry because it requires more effort (or so they tell me!).
Outdoor sex should be charged at a higher rate as should sex when drunk, high or asleep because these are very common and could raise a lot of money. Sex in bed should be taxed less than sex in other places because it requires less effort. Sex at night should be taxed less than daytime sex because it doesn’t interfere with daily production targets. Sex with one’s boss or staff should not be taxed because it feeds directly into happiness in the workplace, thus positively impacting production. Finally, sexual assault should of course remain a crime but be taxed very heavily, as should sexual harassment and having the Playboy channel on cable.
Now you may ask how such taxes can be proven and collected. Well I am ahead of you there dear Kim. What we do is bar code all the penises and vaginas using a new invention of mine (The Genital Bar-Coding Gun – patent pending) and then all activities feed back to a central database which prints monthly activity reports. I’d be happy to send you draft plans for said device should you wish to investigate my proposal further.
Okay Kim. Wire me some money and let’s get started improving the quality of equality!
Sincerely,
Day Li Hump
The People’s Republic of Minnesota
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