Begging Letter to Charlie Sheen

Dear Charlie Sheen,

I’m such a fan! Of course everyone is – you must be tired of hearing that. 

I hope this letter finds you well and dry because lately you sure have been burning the wet t-shirt at both ends! It’s been a while since you’ve been on the large or small screen in anything new man and to tell the truth we all do miss that cheeky grin and those lacerating quips of yours! You know when you went off the rails I feared for you for a while; I was worried you might take it all too far and maybe drink yourself to death before you had the chance to give something back. Of course I know you are not an alcoholic; you simply have a constant thirst for alcohol – like most men – though you can afford to quench yours and, being single, you can drink whenever you like. I think I might hate you. 

Well, if this letter finds you alive and well I hope you’ll send some money to a new self-help group of mine which sure could do with a little financial backing right now!

We are called Pissheads Rebelling in Calvin Klein’s (PRICKS) and we aim to give support to rich individuals like you who don’t know when they’re well-off. The whole philosophy behind PRICK is a simple one. Members have to be rich and famous and they need to have engaged in drunken acts of public self-destruction on at least two occasions before they can join our group. Naturally Charlie we would consider you an honorary PRICK - along with Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.   

Here’s how we help people like you and them; first we kidnap the idiot and we tape the offender’s mouth shut and follow by shutting down his or her Twitter because, let’s face it, PRICKS just don’t know when to shut up! We then forbid them to occupy hotel balconies or other places where they might gather onlookers. 

Second we admit them to a special PRICKS Clinic where subjects will be repeatedly bombarded with images of advertisements for Disney movies, still water and tofu as well as being frequently kicked senseless by a number of poor kids from the projects who’ve volunteered to assist us because they hate rich PRICKS. 

Third, and most importantly, begins our re-programming. In these group therapy sessions you will be encouraged to focus on why it is you are a PRICK and how you can stop being one. Once you have been verbally and physically abused and cried a few times you will have your personal epiphany Charlie – a wonderful moment of enlightenment in which you will weep like an infant and after which you will sign 50% of your worldly goods over to our organisation out of sheer gratitude and relief.  You will then slide across to our recovery program for re-entry into society. This we call Coming out Clean (COC).

Do you see the progression Charles? You go from being a right PRICK to being a COC in only a matter of weeks (longer if you’re gonna be a pussy about it). At first you’ll just be a little COC but later, when you’ve learned to show some self-control, you’ll be a much bigger one.

So come on Charlie and send me some money! I bet you made millions out of that Two and a Half Men children’s CD with all those racy songs on it. You know I did try to release one myself a few years back but I think I was ahead of my time; the market was just not ready for such songs as Dyslexics Love Fcuking, Uncle Tim Made me a Website, Animals Burn Easy and Mama Can’t Wake-Up Today. They did have some complex rhythms I’ll grant you – but why don’t you be the judge. Tell you what! I’ll throw them in when you send me some money like the PRICK you are!

Sincerely,

Dylan MacMillan

Cirrhosis, Wichita

Begging Letter to Hillary Clinton

Dear Hillary Clinton,

Hey baby!

Tell me, do you still give Bill a hard time over ‘that woman’? I ask because us men know from our own relationships how it is that women never forget. When Bill screws up do you wheel out Monica and beat him with the past until he cries? That happens to the rest of us all the time. Maria, my therapist, says it’s quite normal in a couple.

You’ll never guess what horrible thing my dear old neighbor spurted out when she heard about Bill and Monica. Her words were, ‘Well the President wouldn’t have done that with another woman if his own wife had been taking better care of him!’ Wasn’t that a shocking thing to ejaculate! How old-fashioned! Of course I immediately put her straight. I explained to her that what happened between those two had nothing to do with you, that your husband was just a lech and that was it. Anyway, my neighbor is dead now you’ll be glad to hear. You know I preferred her to Maria.

I’m writing to you for two reasons; first, I want to congratulate you on choosing the better of the two jobs at the top of the US political scale. At least you are getting things done, unlike poor old BO. And isn’t it ironic he hijacked your healthcare proposals only to find he was never going to change anything in the end! You must give a little wry smile every morning in the mirror.

My second reason for writing is that I intend to launch a safe-sex program for young people in the Washington area and I need some money to create the required literature and visual aids. The program will encourage young people not to have intercourse until they reach thirty. It will do so by advising them of the alternatives such as oral sex or mutual masturbation and by illustrating various techniques. My single biggest cost will no doubt be the DVD production. I have the movie storyboarded and my director, cast and crew are almost ready (still trying to get Emma Watson and David Letterman) but there was a bit of a cock up with an investor so we’re now shy a few grand.

Do you think you could assist us in our endeavors? The movie will be a thriller called The Spy Who Came and it will have an explosive ending! It’s set in Washington and it will tell the story of a young, celibate intern who befriends an older, political figure (really a Chinese spy) who is pressuring her to have intercourse. Of course he doesn’t pull it off, thereby showing our audience that a young person can be firm in her resolve by using her wiles - and a couple of other things too. In the end the spy gets caught with his pants down and is tossed in jail.

We’re aiming for total market penetration here Hillary – a lot of exposure - and in return for the obvious infamy you’ll achieve for your financial support for our project I can also offer you a bit part in the movie if you’d like! You could choose whichever of the following roles might appeal to you: Swedish nanny, Chewing-gum Teen, First Slapper on the Left, or Embittered Wife. None have much to say so you needn’t worry about learning many lines. There will be no real close-ups either so don’t worry about those wrinkles or that hair. On the day of shooting you’d need to bring a few changes of clothes but no easily-stained dresses okay – jeans with worn knees would be good. Perhaps Chelsea can lend you some stuff? 

Well keep up the good work Hillary! You are an example to us all with your untiring work and your fabulous oral skills on the international stage. Please send me on a wire transfer as soon as you can.

Sincerely,

Dick Rodman

T-Bag, Arkansas

Begging Letter to Martha Stewart

Dear Martha Stewart,

Like you I was once in jail, though unlike you since I got out I have been unable to earn any real money and this is why I write. I’m sure you can appreciate my frustration at having a wonderful business idea that no one will fund because I’ve had the misfortune to do time once and, well, you know what preconceived notions people have about us jailbirds!

Like you, I was jailed for using insider information, though in my case the information was an envelope of pictures taken of a senator and a married neighbour of mine while he was insider!

It occurs to me Martha that just because people are criminals that doesn’t mean the authorities should process or incarcerate them in an environment that pays no mind to what may be in fashion at any given time. The fact is, I believe, that the prison system has no idea of the power of colour or texture. I’m sure, for example, had they taken you away in pink handcuffs you would have felt a lot less depressed because that color just oozes comfort. And in your jail cell, had there been good quality furnishings with fluffy pillows and cushions and maybe some nice drapes, your few months would have flown by rather than crawled.

This leads me to what is, in effect, a simple suggestion, but one that could make us both a whole mess of money. What if we launched a line of prison wear and furnishings? Nowadays a lot of prisons are going private and there is so much money in the incarceration business it would not be too difficult to pick up a few contracts, especially in those prisons with bleeding heart governors who want to house their inmates in more humanitarian environments.

I propose first and foremost a whole range of women’s prison wear. We can begin by throwing out the high-necked traditional orange two-piece jumpsuit and replace it with a lower-cut celeste or salmon option. Indeed, the color could reflect the crime so that the worse the crime the darker the color. Or, where preferred, we could offer what I call a range of castigation clothes. For example, we could make butch, lesbian killers wear pretty little flounces and heels or we could make white-collar businesswoman wear beige power suits to strip them of any credibility. Of course these are just some initial ideas but if we follow through to the male prison populations just look at the potential! We could make the queers wear dungarees to make life difficult, rapists wear dungarees back to front to make life easier for their assailants inside, and so on.

Asymmetrical prison bars in cells would break up the cold, hard lines of the prison and again multitask insofar as, for example, identifying the criminal or the crime. Horizontal bars could represent pussy-cat prisoners who just want to study their SATs while diagonal bars could represent people who lean towards compulsive deviancy etc.

In fact, Martha, the possibilities are endless and run the whole gamut of prison utilities from re-upholstering vans to bringing a touch of Martha to the canteen. But don’t just take my word for it! Send me $10,000 so I can finish a basic portfolio for market research purpose and I will give you first option on a ground-floor buyout. I have already developed a range of bouncing prison soaps (why has no one ever thought of it!) in striking colours as well as a new prisoner potty which, after use, doubles as a gas stove or a sink which, after use, folds into a neat coffee table or a step-aerobics utility whose legs are non-removable in case of prison riots. 

Are you as excited as I am Martha? Please immediately send me a money transfer and I’ll be back in touch.

Sincerely,

Kay Mart

Sellblock, Wisconsin

P.S. You were right to dump Anthony Hopkins. He scares the shit outa me too!

Begging Letter to G.W. Bush Jnr.

Dear George W. Bush Junior,

How’s it hangin’ dude? 

I see your middle name is Walker but don’t worry, I’m not going to make any Texas Ranger jokes. I would never give such offence to Chuck Norris.

How’s life down south now you’ve done your stint as the leader of the free world? I had to laugh when I read in a biography that you once owned a company called Bush Exploration. Where was the Head Office; Tampax Florida? Didn’t you think that company name was funny when you chose it? Didn’t you just want to open sister companies with names like Bush Trimming (Head Office, Brazil) or Bush Divers or Bush Management PLC?

Maybe it’s just my southern mind.

I also heard that when you were campaigning to become Governor of Texas you promised to pass a bill allowing Texans to carry concealed weapons and that you kept this promise too. Wow! I’d love to talk to you about that someday over drinks. You’re such a true defender of human rights.

And I’ve never forgotten what happened in 2000 when you first became President. You got half a million fewer individual votes in the election than Al Gore and you still won and that was pretty damned cool! So too was the manner in which you fought and won the Florida recounts. Guess you had a few concealed weapons of your own huh. 

All in all though George I have to say that from day one your Presidency was, for me, marred by the suspicion of cheating and manipulation and money and nepotism so, to be honest, I never really had any respect for you and I never really trusted you to do the right thing, rather than your own thing, if you know what I mean.

Do you think your two terms of office proved me wrong?

And does it bother you that some human rights groups still want to indict you for crimes under international law? And how close was Michael Moore really with all his nine-eleven allegations?

Let me get back to your money here. Allow me to offer you a cast-iron method of redeeming yourself in the eyes of the Christian world. How would you feel about sending me a few grand to help me out – one Christian to another – one bullshitter to another. I plan to invest it converting those poor misguided Islamists into Christians through my ‘We All Need Knowledge’ program (WANK). First we teach them the Bible and then we can teach them such things as electronics or aeronautics; just to keep them off the streets. Of course there will be difficulties attracting these people to Christianity which, as you know, only offers Paradise as a celibate afterlife option but we will nonetheless do our best. We will forward the passports of all those on the program to Homeland Security so they may use them as they see fit going forward.

In return for your help I will commit to sending you a monthly CD Rom in which I will correct for you your many mispronunciations – difficult words such as nuclear…..coupon…..aluminium  and so on – thereby giving you much more credibility in your new world of public speaking.

Peace and love man! I have always lived by your creed…..when in doubt…..bomb the shit outa them!

Please find my money transfer details below.

Sincerely,

Heston Charles

Firingrange, Atlanta