Dear Hillary Clinton,
Hey baby!
Tell me, do you still give Bill a hard time over ‘that woman’? I ask because us men know from our own relationships how it is that women never forget. When Bill screws up do you wheel out Monica and beat him with the past until he cries? That happens to the rest of us all the time. Maria, my therapist, says it’s quite normal in a couple.
You’ll never guess what horrible thing my dear old neighbor spurted out when she heard about Bill and Monica. Her words were, ‘Well the President wouldn’t have done that with another woman if his own wife had been taking better care of him!’ Wasn’t that a shocking thing to ejaculate! How old-fashioned! Of course I immediately put her straight. I explained to her that what happened between those two had nothing to do with you, that your husband was just a lech and that was it. Anyway, my neighbor is dead now you’ll be glad to hear. You know I preferred her to Maria.
I’m writing to you for two reasons; first, I want to congratulate you on choosing the better of the two jobs at the top of the US political scale. At least you are getting things done, unlike poor old BO. And isn’t it ironic he hijacked your healthcare proposals only to find he was never going to change anything in the end! You must give a little wry smile every morning in the mirror.
My second reason for writing is that I intend to launch a safe-sex program for young people in the Washington area and I need some money to create the required literature and visual aids. The program will encourage young people not to have intercourse until they reach thirty. It will do so by advising them of the alternatives such as oral sex or mutual masturbation and by illustrating various techniques. My single biggest cost will no doubt be the DVD production. I have the movie storyboarded and my director, cast and crew are almost ready (still trying to get Emma Watson and David Letterman) but there was a bit of a cock up with an investor so we’re now shy a few grand.
Do you think you could assist us in our endeavors? The movie will be a thriller called The Spy Who Came and it will have an explosive ending! It’s set in Washington and it will tell the story of a young, celibate intern who befriends an older, political figure (really a Chinese spy) who is pressuring her to have intercourse. Of course he doesn’t pull it off, thereby showing our audience that a young person can be firm in her resolve by using her wiles - and a couple of other things too. In the end the spy gets caught with his pants down and is tossed in jail.
We’re aiming for total market penetration here Hillary – a lot of exposure - and in return for the obvious infamy you’ll achieve for your financial support for our project I can also offer you a bit part in the movie if you’d like! You could choose whichever of the following roles might appeal to you: Swedish nanny, Chewing-gum Teen, First Slapper on the Left, or Embittered Wife. None have much to say so you needn’t worry about learning many lines. There will be no real close-ups either so don’t worry about those wrinkles or that hair. On the day of shooting you’d need to bring a few changes of clothes but no easily-stained dresses okay – jeans with worn knees would be good. Perhaps Chelsea can lend you some stuff?
Well keep up the good work Hillary! You are an example to us all with your untiring work and your fabulous oral skills on the international stage. Please send me on a wire transfer as soon as you can.
Sincerely,
Dick Rodman
T-Bag, Arkansas
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