Dear Pope Benedict,
How the hell are you?
I hope everything is well there in Vatican City and that your subjects are paying their taxes on time.
I am writing to make you an offer as my three sons and I have lost the struggle to survive in this awful, present economy. We are an honest, God-fearing family who believe you can do no wrong and for that reason I propose leasing you my children for the remainder of their childhoods. I know you will take care of them and the money you send will help me as I approach middle-age.
So what is it you would be getting?
Tommy is seven and quite shy. In fact, it’s impossible to get him to tell a secret! Such a headstrong boy! But he’s a great worker and likes to keep things clean so if you had any priest who needs things polishing then Tommy would definitely be the one for him. The only problem with Tommy is he likes a big bed; he refuses to sleep in a single bed. Such a child! He spends a lot of time each day on his knees in prayer. Your staff will like him.
James is nine and quite the sportsman! He’s always rubbing baby oil on his legs and torso to accentuate his developing muscles. He does have a speech problem in that his pronunciation is quite dreadful so no one understands a word he says! But he is a grafter and quick on the uptake. There is one embarrassing habit he possesses; he never leaves the old John Hancock alone! But many boys are like that I’m sure you know. No doubt you cold assign him to someone and they could assist each other; James could run errands and the priest could help him with his oral work and his Hancock fixation.
Henry is eleven and the cleverest of the three. When he was just ten he informed me that one day he would be a man. Deep huh! The question is what kind of man will he be? Sometimes he gets angry, especially with girls – he hates girls – and such is his anger that he puts his entire fist in his mouth to stop himself yelling! He is a member of Fundamentalist Young People for Priests and he recently wrote a song entitled It’s a Lie, Priests Don’t Suck which he naively entered in a secular song contest. The only other thing about Henry you might like to know is that his style of dress is quite unusual. He wears short pants all year round because, he says, they are more accommodating.
These are my dear kids your holiness and I give them to you for a token ten thousand dollars each knowing that when they leave you at eighteen they will be fine young men, well-adjusted and ready to take on the world in all its complexity.
I know this because you are infallible.
Please forward money transfer of $30,000 and add $1,000 extra per child for air fares etc.
Sincerely
Neil Beforme
Baldchest, Indiana
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