Dear Tom Hanks,
Isn’t it remarkable that you met a mermaid once when you were in the city and then for all that time you were stuck on an island there wasn’t one of them bitches to be found!
Mermaids are like cops I guess. Hey! That’s a good movie right there! Mermaid Cops – Beach Assault One.
No, forget it. Where would they stick the badge? Where would they put the night stick?
Oh but Hanksy you looked so bored in The DaVinci Code! Up to that point I loved your work – you were an AC-TOR - but then, and I think since then, it’s as if you’ve lost interest or as if it’s all become too easy or whatever. That’s such a pity man because there was a time there when you were the best in the world. Oh well, at least you still have your health I suppose – and a shitload of money too!
It is with sincere hope that I write this plea for assistance from you. You see I heard once that you returned $25 to a couple who told you they didn’t enjoy one of your movies. I guess it was like a cinema refund or something – or was it just a PR stunt? Well my situation is that I could do with a little extra money right now so I thought it would be okay to ask you for some help seeing as how you have so much. I’m only asking for a couple of grand to get me back on my feet since my insurance has been cancelled and I need some treatment.
Now I could say I didn’t enjoy a single one of your movies and try to prick at your conscience like those shameless folks with the $25 but that would be a lie and I am no liar Thomas. No sir. The fact is I have enjoyed so very many movies of yours – some of them more than a few times – so I cannot plead discontent to extort money from you like some people.
The fact is I need continuing psychosexual therapy for something arising out of my childhood that still complicates my life. I won’t go into too much detail Tom; suffice it to say it involves peanut butter, a box of pencils, and a King Charles spaniel. My insurance company have refused point blank to acknowledge my fetish as an illness or my need to talk to a professional. It’s just like them isn’t it! I love America Tom, even though it is only in America you can pay a fortune to be insured until such a time as you need to claim against your policy, at which point the insurance company simply cancel said policy and hang you out to dry until you are well again.
And I know that my problem might seem pretty perverse to you but it’s really no madder than talking to a volleyball is it?
Hell you got well paid for that!
But I can reassure you Tom that no animals have ever been physically injured in the enactment of my fantasy. They may have whimpered a bit but that’s all.
Anyway, before I sign off I wanted to say well done again. You’ve had a good career. Yes, it may be over now but it’s not like you can complain is it? I mean, it could be a whole lot worse.
You could be Russell Crowe.
Please send money transfer ASAP.
Sincerely,
Skip Wilson,
Puppy, Nebraska
No comments:
Post a Comment