Begging Letter to Jose Mourinho

Dear Jose Mourinho,

How the hell did you get to be so handsome anyway? Did you make a deal with the devil? Do you know all men hate you because of how you look?

I hope this letter finds you well and that you are not still stirring trouble there in Spain with your malevolent tactics both on and off the field!

I write because I understand that you are probably the richest soccer manager in the world and I am seeking some investors for a new soccer academy in Barcelona whose aim is to take the children of white supremacists off the streets of Europe. The academy will be called Training in Tolerance (TIT) and will only be open to children whose parents have been convicted of hate crimes under European law. My hope is that, instead of kicking at young Jewish or Muslim kids as they grow up, these youngsters will instead kick a ball and learn the great game rather than the hate game.

Now I know you know that there is a lot of hatred in Europe (after all, much of it is directed at you as you destroy the game we all love) and I believe, as I’m sure you do, that redirecting that hate should be a priority if we want to create a better society. Imagine a soccer academy where, upon arrival, the children are water boarded and kicked by staff from the various ethnic groups those very kids loathe! That’s what I call tackling the problem of intolerance through education! 

Summer camps will consist of a four-week program; two weeks of physical and psychological abuse (to balance the historical scales a bit) followed by two weeks of soccer training and friendly matches at local juvenile offender institutions. We will not provide food or drink and, in honour of you, we will have a separate and special program designed for kids who come from Madrid because we find they are in the greatest present danger.

Should you decide to invest in the TIT Academy a sculptor friend of mine has promised to sculpt your likeness for the front entrance and to greatly enhance your manly bulge to underline how people with balls get results. This will no doubt get you even more female and gay admirers!

And if you have any problems finding the money for me well it’s about time Cristiano Ronaldo moved on to LA Galaxy so it might be a good idea to sell him now, while he’s still worth a couple of million.

I wait in anticipation for your reply Jose. I know you will do the right thing. Please forward monies to my American holiday address – money transfer details below.

And keep on smiling!

Sincerely,

Pele Escobar

Guardiola, New York