Dear George W. Bush Junior,
How’s it hangin’ dude?
I see your middle name is Walker but don’t worry, I’m not going to make any Texas Ranger jokes. I would never give such offence to Chuck Norris.
How’s life down south now you’ve done your stint as the leader of the free world? I had to laugh when I read in a biography that you once owned a company called Bush Exploration. Where was the Head Office; Tampax Florida? Didn’t you think that company name was funny when you chose it? Didn’t you just want to open sister companies with names like Bush Trimming (Head Office, Brazil) or Bush Divers or Bush Management PLC?
Maybe it’s just my southern mind.
I also heard that when you were campaigning to become Governor of Texas you promised to pass a bill allowing Texans to carry concealed weapons and that you kept this promise too. Wow! I’d love to talk to you about that someday over drinks. You’re such a true defender of human rights.
And I’ve never forgotten what happened in 2000 when you first became President. You got half a million fewer individual votes in the election than Al Gore and you still won and that was pretty damned cool! So too was the manner in which you fought and won the Florida recounts. Guess you had a few concealed weapons of your own huh.
All in all though George I have to say that from day one your Presidency was, for me, marred by the suspicion of cheating and manipulation and money and nepotism so, to be honest, I never really had any respect for you and I never really trusted you to do the right thing, rather than your own thing, if you know what I mean.
Do you think your two terms of office proved me wrong?
And does it bother you that some human rights groups still want to indict you for crimes under international law? And how close was Michael Moore really with all his nine-eleven allegations?
Let me get back to your money here. Allow me to offer you a cast-iron method of redeeming yourself in the eyes of the Christian world. How would you feel about sending me a few grand to help me out – one Christian to another – one bullshitter to another. I plan to invest it converting those poor misguided Islamists into Christians through my ‘We All Need Knowledge’ program (WANK). First we teach them the Bible and then we can teach them such things as electronics or aeronautics; just to keep them off the streets. Of course there will be difficulties attracting these people to Christianity which, as you know, only offers Paradise as a celibate afterlife option but we will nonetheless do our best. We will forward the passports of all those on the program to Homeland Security so they may use them as they see fit going forward.
In return for your help I will commit to sending you a monthly CD Rom in which I will correct for you your many mispronunciations – difficult words such as nuclear…..coupon…..aluminium and so on – thereby giving you much more credibility in your new world of public speaking.
Peace and love man! I have always lived by your creed…..when in doubt…..bomb the shit outa them!
Please find my money transfer details below.
Sincerely,
Heston Charles
Firingrange, Atlanta
No comments:
Post a Comment